“Marital unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and divorce are part of the fabric of modern life,” states veteran marriage counselor John W. Jacobs, M.D. Dr. Jacobs is a psychiatrist who has worked with hundreds of couples over the last three decades. He knows just how fragile the bond of marriage is and how difficult preserving it can be. Still, he firmly believes that most couples can create and maintain a mutually satisfying, deeply loving relationship—but only with hard work, diligence, and a reality check.
In All You Need Is Love And Other Lies About Marriage Dr. Jacobs presents a radically truthful approach to making marriage work and last. Instead of just focusing on fixing their own or their partner’s psychological flaws, he urges couples to wake up to the world outside of their relationship—and confront the historical and social forces conspiring to undermine marriage. After helping couples get a grasp on reasonable expectations for a better marriage, he arms them with straightforward strategies to stop the destructive spiral of stress, blame, conflict, and alienation. For partners who make the commitment—which requires effective, supportive communication, solid changes in behavior, and respect for each other’s differences—Dr. Jacobs promises the reward of enduring love.
Based on his clinical experience, Dr. Jacobs reveals how a sweeping cultural transformation—involving everything from gains in longevity and the economic independence of women to relentless demands on our time—has encouraged men and women to subscribe to what he calls “the seven lies of marriage.” Drawing on extensive cases of married couples and individuals who have come to him for help, he explores the devastating impact of each lie on interpersonal relationships. Shattering cherished myths about unconditional love, honest communication, egalitarian partnerships, and even the gift of children, Dr. Jacobs offers concrete steps for couples to take to avert or reverse the pernicious influence of false assumptions that set them up for failure.
Providing a new, and refreshingly pragmatic, blueprint for a stable, satisfying marriage, All You Need Is Love And Other Lies About Marriage shows loving couples how to make their relationship stronger by accepting and living certain truths. Among them:
- Romantic love alone is insufficient to sustain a lifelong intimate relationship.
- Brutally honest speech is usually more brutal than truly honest. Marital communication requires thoughtfulness, empathy and diplomacy.
- Change is always possible. Even small, unilateral change can produce big results.
- Your family of origin always influences your marriage.
- Egalitarian marriages are often fairer than more traditional marriage, but create their own new problems and stresses over gender-role expectations with the family.
- As wonderful as children are, they change the relationship between spouses and often destabilize marriage.
- Living with sexual problems or frustrations is more difficult than ever in a society that is flooded with sexual images and stimulation from the legitimate and pornographic media.
Throughout the book, couples are taught practical skills to improve their marriage. Learning to focus on feeling, not facts, knowing when to agree to disagree, reprioritizing your life and the importance of putting your marriage first are just a few of the many changes suggested in the book.
The book is a plea to spouses to avoid complacency and to act quickly to address any simmering issues in their relationship. Dr. Jacobs believes that unaddressed resentments and emotional distance, as well as, more obvious intense unremitting conflict between spouses wear away at loving feelings and leave spouses unaware of and unprepared for the inevitable failure of their marriage.
For couples committed to sustaining a satisfying marriage—despite the work and against the odds All You Need Is Love And Other Lies About Marriage offers realistic guidance and genuine hope.